wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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