are you so shy because you have an std?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
