only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
