oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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