i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
