remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
