I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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