remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
