Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
