My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
