The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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