Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
