I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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