Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
