Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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