I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
