Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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