I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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