when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize