I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
then he tried to convert me to islam
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
