It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I smell stomach acid.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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