I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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