capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
