Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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