so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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