So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize