I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
