lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
