Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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