Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
