there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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