Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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