He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
