Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
