I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
