miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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