My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
