I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
