my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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