Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
