Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
if i died would you start the facebook group?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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