Your mouth is God's brothel.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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