I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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