I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
