I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
