When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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