At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
