Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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