1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
