No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Sext me about skeletons
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
