It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
