I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
