I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
