Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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