dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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