so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
